Space
Listen Positively
Boundaries
The teenage years are a time of change and transistion. With the physical changes of growth there is a transisition to independance of thought and activity. Like any period of change in life people need time to adjust and those people around you, particularly family need to allow time and adjust their own approach. Space, listening positively and being clear on each others boundaries are even more important at this time.
Space
Allowing time for people to think things through and to try out different approaches for themselves and in their relationships with others. This may require quiet time alone, but it will certainly be time away from a parents critical eye. It is hard enough handling inner doubts and is more difficult handling both these and someone elses concerns, either spoken or unspoken.
Listen Positively
It is very hard not to give advice when listening to someone who is going through change. Especially when a parent will always have a view on what happened to them as a teenager.
As a parent you will have usually had some twelve years of passing on advice directly or indirectly and this will have been absorbed already. As a teenager you will need someone who will listen to the issues you are facing, and also be positive and encouraging about what you have achieved.
When advice is given repeatedly, is already understood, and is given before concerns have been expressed it can add to the exisiting concerns. The reponse to this is either argument, or passive withdrawl.
Boundaries
As a parent there will be limits to what is permitted. Some will be absolute and some will be advisory. As a teenager you will be trying to work out what these boundaries are both within your family and your friends. What you can do and what are the consequences. Boundaries that are appropriate, clear and applied consistently help everyone and allow space to develop. Boundaries that are in appropriate, unclear or inconsistently applied lead to uncertainty, stress and argument or withdrawl.
Absolute boundaries are likely to be those that will lead to harm to yourself or others and the outcome when these are crossed need to be clear. For example the use of drugs leading to violence, non attendance at school, verbal abuse, pregnancy or not eating.
Advised boundaries are those which are known to put people at risk such as smoking, alcohol excess or knowing where people are at night. A consistent opinion over years and additonal clear advice when limits are crossed is appropriate
Being clear on the limits and allowing flexibility within these allow relationships to develop during periods of change such as teenage years